Dateline, September 3, 2001, Switzer-land 
To: All Media Outlets 

Due to a myriad of reasons, the Oklahoma Switzers Baseball Club ver. 1 will be blown up, dismantled, parceled out at the close of the 2001 SWBA season. Everything must go! No reasonab...no good offers refused! Prices are slas...well, prices will be suggested retail price. I've decided that I will be keeping two players: Wagner, because he's my favorite player, and Zito, because, well, he's my other favorite player. Well, I'll probably be forced to keep (or cut) such luminaries as Juan Castro because he just plain SUCKS ASS, but you get the idea. Other than that it's open season. So...at season's end drop by my front yard, I'll have a few shiny trinkets to dole out.